there was always love in daddy's hands

dear daddy,
Here you are, another year older, yet again. Fifty-one, wow, honestly it makes me sad to think that someday i will be that age, and you will be even older. I never want that to happen, i want us to stay this way forever. I am so proud of you, everything you have done, for me and for our family. Don't give up on your dreams yet. I know you probably think its too late for alot of things, but its not. You still have so much to do in this life. Lets make a promise for and to each other: you will help me with my dreams if i help you with yours, sound good?
I love you. I love how i am so much like you, but i love how i am so different from you too. I love how we speak the same language. I love how you are quiet, even when you know you shouldn't be. I love how you leave open all the cabinet doors, how you brush your teeth before ever leaving the house, how you eat alot at dinner and how you fall asleep in the passenger seat when I drive.
I don't want to think that i will ever forget these memories that i have with you. I hope we continue to add many more to them though. Thank you for being the best daddy in the world.
Love your little girl,
mary

naming Rain

i fly around in circles
searching for what is unknown
should i give up
maybe sometimes
but don't you think its too late
to start over
lets just pick up
where we first met

sweet images
arise in your eyes
and they tell me
not to worry

you help me understand
this world isn't only mine

all we need is a softer world

" When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life.
When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life. "

its the little things that matter

i feel like summer has started today
i just got back from new jersey and last night i felt so unorganized and i felt like i didnt have control of anything going on in my life. so i wrote my self a list of everything i need to get done this week. Its about a page long, and i have only done about two things so far but for some reason i am excited about it. Its a long list, and there are only seven days in a week....six since im hoping to get everything done by sunday but i some things are small and will only take a second to do. Its just that they are on my list so hopefully i will actually do them, instead of just leaving it as a thought. Today i cleaned and vaccumed my bedroom [two seperate things on the list]..thats one of the bigger things believe it or not haha...it took be like two an a half hours but its done. One of the simpler things on my list is starting my book, well i should say "re-starting" my book. I started it like two months ago, and all it takes to restart it is a page...but for some reason i haven't, in the last week that its been on my mind, started it.
I sat through a "speech" last week, which led me to the awkward conclusion that i love speeches..haha. but the woman was up in front of me with her pretty blonde hair swayed across her face, petite body moving as she got into everything she was saying and just grabbed my attention. She talked about how all we need to do is little things. It was kinda on the subject of 'living in the moment' type of cliche saying but she broke it down and made more sense of it. if i start my book right now, even if i only read two or three pages....i will still have started it. In my mind i think that i want to wait until i have a good half hour to sit down and read, that never gets done and a month goes by before i even think about opening the book. when rather, the minute i first thought of reading the book i could have sat down and read a little, because then if i had kept that low stardard of reading however much i can each day my book would have been done last month.
she talked about a lot of other stuff too and it was so inspiring, but everything she said was true, if i just live, and do little things everyday, if i break down big goals to simple everyday goals they will complete that larger goal in the long run.
toodles-im going to read

she will be known

Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way

&& you fill her with wonder

too much thought

I've been thinking lately about judgement. I am definately guitly of judging other people like just how i look at them and notice everything about them and think about it (like im examining them as a grade or something), and just in my head come up with certain conclusions meanwhile i haven't even met this person! But it gets so complicated-Its basically imposible to avoid judging other people or just being judged yourself is what i have concluded. People are always going to think something of you whether its good or bad. You are going to have certain reasons for thinking things of others to. Its not like everytime you talk to your friend you start clean, but should you? Although if im going to talk to my friend who i feel is really judgemental like everytime i talk to her, does that mean i should start fresh everytime giving her another chance. No way! thats just being ignorant. Or is it...ughh told you this is confusing. Then you could always be that person that "doesn't care what people think"....but you don't what to go tooo far with this, keep in mind we are pretending you are normal...well at least most of the time. Anyways-what do you think?

its gonna change everything i feel

Its such a beautiful day out. I took a walk, a long walk, in my barefeet, with his ipod and a flowy skirt:)
Lately i feel like i want more, maybe im anticipating summer, but either way im not sure what it is exactly that i want more of. Maybe just bliss, and I am anticipating summer knowing that it will bring bliss.
I'm feeling alot lately like nothing can ever be simple, although thats the way things should be. I've never been one to feel the need to have it, simplicity that is, but lately I just find myself feeling like so much is a waste. Like it shouldn't be this complicated... so why is it?

A moment worth eye rolling

Its annoying how stupid people are lately. Its out of my control, and its quite sad that nothing can be done about their stupidity. Just putting that out there. I've been thinking about my future more lately, well more like just yesterday, and its most likely because yesterday was career day..haha. So, on the subject of career day, last night I was telling my dad about it, and about some of my interests and as you probably already know along with a few other things, I am interested in criminal justice or being a lawyer as like a career. While my mom's friend, Kim and Kim's boyfriend were over, I was telling my dad about career day and about the attorney I met and talked to, Doug (Kim's boyfriend, who might i add just for image purposes has a big nose) had the nerve to blurt out that I shouldn't be a lawyer because they are scum (and typically kim haddddd to agree). Im not sure if just a huge wavy of rudeness flew over him or if he whelled up with this feeling that he needed to tell me this in order to save my future. Might I be so disrespectful by saying that I don't even think he really has a job right now! Ugh so-yes although it wasn't a huge dream of mine, it wasn't like I was very passionate about being a lawyer I still took that very offensively. And maybe someone should let him know that a lot of people are scum in the world. And as he concluded about lawyers lying alot (therefore somehow proving his 'scum' theory), MANY other people lie....step into any high school and viola! This just is yet another example of kim, another story to add to the list to explain my feelings about her.
So, I'm sure you are awful glad right now that you took an extra minute or so, just to read my blog.
genuionly yours-mary

like alice in wonderland

Doesn't everybody want to same thing, why isn't that enough?
When were tangeled up and we can't resist-
Dawn always comes to soon
just take my hand to have and hold if not obey
words get in the way
Lost&insecure
It's sad but sometimes it starts with goodbye
we drifted away like the leaves in the fall
but something always brings me back to you
when you love someone like that
silence is something you can't hide
I don't want this night to end- why does it have to end?
None of us were angels
And you know I love you
Its the ABCs of growing up
Everyday I wonder how I'll get through

save me from the fall out

I am going to bed tonight without talking to him, for the first time, in a long time. It's been a long night.
Do you ever just want to like take your ipod and run. Run away to somewhere safe, or maybe just run away from everything safe. Its never simple or easy. I am always finding myself wanting to be saved. I don't know what from, maybe myself or maybe just what I don't know. That's my biggest probelm-not being able to handle what I don't know, its the hardest thing for me.

Show me what loves all about

Lately I've been noticing how important eyes are;their color, size, shape and most importantly meaning. Like, when someone makes a face to me eyes say it all, they are the most important. The shape, color or size of ones eyes basically determines someones whole "look". If you take someones face and change their eyes it changes everything, maybe the color, maybe the size, maybe how proportionate they now are compared to the rest of their face, their different faces and expressions and just what certain things mean, like if they are being serious of kidding, is determined by their eyes. So what do hungry eyes look like? well the first thing you should ask is, what one is hungry for. food? love? friendship? God? I think we are all hungry for something, no matter what it is, we strive for it even if we don't want to admitt it. And me, I am hungry for not one but so many things. So can you tell when I want a certain thing, by my eyes? (rhetorical question)Because similar to my facial expression, my eyes just shout exactly what I'm feeling. I think that our eyes show other people so much, of what we want, or have, or have been through, or lack. Our eyes unleash us to the world, and let us see it for what it really is, whether we see bad, good, sad, happy, frightening, or joyful things, its because of our eyes. I think its funny how thankful we are to be able to see things yet our eyes expose us to so much evil.

& didn't I tell you, I'm on your side

The little things, you do to me are
Taking me over, I wanna show you
Everything inside of me
Like a nervous heart
My feet are stuck here,
against the pavement
I wanna break free,
I wanna make it
Closer to your eyes,
to get your attention
Before you pass me by

Everything coming down to Nothing

And then slowly the words poured out of her, like lava exploding, uncontrolably out of a volcanoe, the words that she found herself wanting to use more and more lately, but never dared unlleash their power. While she could feel her eyes swelling up with tears, and her face getting hotter and hotter as it always had when she found herself caught off-guard, she she, "I HATE YOU." A defensive look struck his face, and she understood why, it wasn't like it was obvious to anyone but herself why she was mad, and she wouldnt expect him to know why she was anyways. His voice rambled on in the background of why exactly he did it and all she could think about was the tears. The tears that she tried so hard to keep hidden from him were about to be revealed. She hated him, as well as her for agreeing and sticking by him, although, thats what marriage is all about right? She pivotted and walked resentfully to her bedroom. As always, once there, nothing was stopping the tears and they streamed down her face. Sitting there, surrounded by her things she kept comtemplating how it came to this. He used to be her hero, and she used to be his angel. But that was then and now she found herself almost always hating him; For to her, he was overprotectively getting invovled, but to him, he was protecting her from the thing he has feared all these years.

Ugh.

alright so im kinda annoyed at people haha. Not you. I mean like my parents and grandparents---I get the fact that im only fifteen but they need to understand that I'm fifteen! In their eyes im young and naive and I know they are just trying to prevent mistakes from happening and see me succeeed because "they know I have so much potential"; but to me, I'm fifteen, almost sixteen, in high school, with a job, great friends, a boyfriend and so much more. But I have such a desire for freedom. Now I'm not trying to be all complainy, because I do recognize that I already have alot of freedom and my parents don't have that many rules that keep me from doing stuff but ughh what do they expect? Its like can't I just do my own thing, their "advice" is appreciated-every now and then-not every second. I feel like every time they see that something could go wrong, they jump on the chance to fix it, but the problem is there's nothing to fix, because nothing has happened, to make it shorter for you, its just annoying. Alright so my random, off topic, question for you today isn't really a question its more like " what's your opinion type of thing;" so whats your opinion about giving birth, well not exactly giving birth its self more like, being able to concieve a child--and i do not mean that in the preverted way, like do you consider it a blessing, like you are glad that someday you will be able to or are you like "ahhh! what are you talking about im never having kids". Just answer to the best you can understand my snafued up explaination.

mary<3

unfaltering in Him

I kinda wish that I could have like an hour everyday just to sit down and talk to God. Now I know I already can do that, but I mean like I just want answers. Not even like an explanation, we'll keep it easy, all I want is a "yes or a no"; Should I keep trying ? Or just let it?
Do you think He purposely puts situations in our lives to see how we will handle them, or do they just have a mind of their own, messing up His plan? Because lately I've been struggling with stuff like that.
I don't really like the "If they don't want you in there life than you don't need them in yours" motto, because that's not true for so many reasons. One being that there are certain people that I want in my life, or want back in my life, but just because I want that doesn't necessarily mean that the feeling is mutual.
So I guess I'm wondering, do you think I should let those types of things go or should I be more determined to fight for them?
I know in the long run it really doesn't matter what you think I should do(no offense) but don't worry because it doesn't even matter what I think I should do, or will do.. because, as I've wisely heard recently, "It doesn't matter, because I know its just all going to turn out all right" =)
with allll my love,
mary<3